The Bang Boom

Momma knows best...right? Well, at least, she asks the right questions, tries to, that is. Today on my daily phone call to my mom (I know, cute right, I live in Japan and I'm calling my mom all the way back in the states), she asked me what am I looking for in a guy since this last guy, he's not a dud, it's just we don't have the spark. He likes me, a lot, and I like him just not like that. Anyway, I was stumped for a little bit, I pondered for a while and I realized that I don't just want anything, I have a setlist. This is all I want, physically and mentally:

• A guy with a great smile who loves to smile
• Infectious laughter
  
• Someone who's funny and makes me laugh
• Ambitious, goal orientated
• Not messy (because I am)
• Adventurous
• Close to his family (intermediate family is fine by me)
• Likes to write or read (this is a must for me)
• Shows affection but not too much even around friends
  
• Gives me space
• Likes my good friends and likes/tolerate my family
• Sweet
• Someone who doesn't talk crap about other girls
• A man who loves me the way I am, the way I look and everything
• Athletic/Stays in shape
• Into sports
• Respectable
• Intelligent/Well Educated
  
• Loves the idea of date night
• Love surprising me
  

It's kind of a stupid list but it's a working progress. I'm just asking for those few little things. I'm sure, it's like asking for the moon and stars but that's all I want. I'm not looking for love now but it's something that I do want.

Of Love, Robes and Tussled Hair

I am pretty stumped about men, lately, I've been pretty stumped about what is so exciting about me walking around in my pink poka-dotted robe in the dorms doing laundry. It's not as risque as men walking around completely shirtless in boxers. I think it's less risque. I'm fully covered. I've never seen so many people stare. Well, men. And they stare. Excitedly. My guy friend said it reminds him of sex and how easy it is to unrobe and behold or something lame and extra corny like that. My other guy friend said, it's the hair.

The hair. You read that correctly.

The hair.

The hair that is extra tussled, just rolled out of bed, maybe somebody just ran their fingers through the hair. It's sexy, it's electrifying, it's exciting. It gratifies stares.

That I don't get. My hair, honestly, is literally, I just got up to do laundry hair. When I actually put my hair in a ponytail, nobody even blinks, well kind of, I'm still wearing the robe. But still the robe and the hair gets blinks and stares and "what'sup"s.

So, it made me think, guys clearly think things that girls DO NOT thing is sexy, is sexy. Guys think unfussed with hair is beyond sexy like calves, long legs and delicate hands. Girls and guys have a different idea of what beauty is. It's befuddling. Well, I'm going to lay down.

So...

A new change is coming. I spoke of it weeks ago and I've never been happier. I don't need a man and I don't need this list on how to find this perfect man or whatever. Lately, I've just been enjoying myself and being alone and really, I don't know what I've been up to, really, I think going out with my friends helped me out a lot. Even though, I have guys left and right trying to go out with me, sleep with me, etc. I'm fine with waiting and I'm fine with taking it slow and I am talking to someone, hint, but I am fine with being alone. Let me remind you about that, I don't care either way if this doesn't work out because whatever, what do I have to lose, I still have myself, I still have my glorious books, I still have my newfound friends who even though they do drink a lot, are tons of fun, last weekend, we stayed in and played Rockband. Kind of nerdy but it was something I like to do, I'm not the party girl, I used to be but now I rather stay in and watch a movie with a friend, not a boyfriend, but an actual friend, preferrably with my best friend and gossip until the wee hours of the night.

Boys...eh? I don't need them and that guy? I heard he's getting married, the one in the last entry. I still call him names, mostly for laughs, I don't really care about him anymore. I miss his friendship but I realized that we could've never made it. I was too dominated and yes, I am the one who always must be the dominate one in the relationship, that's just me, I have a very strong personality, I know what I want, when I want it and how I want it, where I want it, here, please, that's me but he....he wasn't passive but he couldn't handle it. It bothered him, it hurted his feelings when I would bluntly tell him how I felt, I don't sugarcoat and I won't sugarcoat for some guy. It's not in my nature, I've never been that way and I won't be that way. I don't hope he's happy, I'm going to be honest but I hope he grows up. I don't think some girl is going to change him into this magnifigicant person and he's going to be this mature guy who doesn't pass out drunk every weekend oh and Thursdays too (typical Frat Boy) but...whatever, if she can deal with him. Go ahead. Plus, I look better than her (it's probably the vainest thing I will say) and even if I wasn't already okay with the fact that me and him will never be, the fact that I look better than he would've probably already made it better. But that's just a definite plus. But I'm sure she's a sweet girl.

Anyway, as I said, I haven't changed but I've slightly put a changed in my life. I started going to spin class more often, actually putting effort into my homework for classes, just considering more of myself then boys. And honestly, I finally made a decision with boys instead leading them on like I usually do and choosing the one that my friends like the most. I choose the one that I like the most, I'm not going to choose the guy who thinks he's already won. I've made that mistake far too much or the guy with the attitude. Finally, hopefully, the nice guy will win. But I leave here soon and it will not be a love match but it will be fun. I'm glad. I'm finally happy. Thank God.

New Beginnings

Getting your heartbroken does that to a girl, makes a girl want to have goals want to change. I know, it does it for me, as he posts pictures of them on his facebook after two weeks of leaving me, I realize that I'm never going to find someone unless I change. I don't have to change my personality but I do have to change my morals. So, I decided to make a list, I know that it's not going to stop me from getting my heart broken again and even though, this is the second time this has happened to me, the first time was a little bit more severe, I'm not going to stop looking for love. I know there is someone out there for me, I'm just going to have to figure out how to find him. NO more am I going to accept less and settle for something, I am not some floozy tramp who likes to get 3am calls or midnight knocks on my door, I am a woman and I deserved to be loved. No more am I going to be with guys that my friends doesn't respect nor like. If they're telling me he's a player and have that pleading look in their eyes as they go "well maybe he'll change for you", I'm just going to think he's not going to change and move on. If I talk about a relationship and a guy says he's not into it, he's never going to change his mind, just doesn't want a relationship, especially with me, as I am learning today, then I need to pick up my Coach purse and run. I am learning that I can't just assume that a guy wants me or he cares, if I want a guy and I want a good guy, I'm going to have to lay out the terms. Guys are going to take what they can get and run but if I show them that I am lady and that I respect myself then I can weed the guys that will most likely break my heart from the guys who are willing to try.

I'm tired of being that girl and after a year and half of being that girl, allowing to be treated like crap and settling for less, I've decided that I can't take that anymore. So, this is me, a 20 year old woman, with no bullshit, going through the motions and trying to find someone who respects me as I respect them. I'm not going to try and make it boring, if fact, I hope to spice it up but as of late, there's nothing in my life this year that has been good and I have to change it.