When Jealous Rears its Ugly Head

I'm not going to lie and say I'm not a jealous person. A lot of my relationships with guys have been driven by jealousy, I've date guys far longer than I should have just because I didn't want another girl to have him. That's not the case of last night, I was out with Know-It All Guy and some friends, I was already in a bad mood as I'm going to explain later, so, it did not help HIS case when he mentioned some girl having a nice ass. The feeling I felt, it's nothing I've ever felt before, my face got really hot, my ears began to ring and my hand itched to slap him across the face. I've bickered with guys before, they've mentioned hot girls and I don't think I've ever felt what I felt that moment in time. I knew he was saying that to make me jealous which in all retrospect, I did all I could last night to make him jealous. In both cases, it worked. Anyway, as I was laying in bed all night, tossing and turning, I began to think: is all that wank I've said about not wanting relationships not true?

I mean, last night, I went out of my way to be mean to him because I'm just so confused on where I stand with him. I rarely go out of my way to make some miserable but in his case, I definitely did last night. I purposely didn't ride in the car with him, wait for him or try and sit next to him, all of this left him in a state of confusion. Not only that, I was only mean to him, he so (in my eyes, hopefully) commented that I was being mean to everyone with that I replied "No, only to you". Wow and I looked back at that the moment I went home, I didn't feel good about myself like I usually do when I tell guys off, no, I felt ashamed, I felt stupid and petty. Instead of just telling him how I felt (which he asked, oh so many times) I attacked him for not being able to read my mind. Which made me confused, the whole being ashamed of myself, I declared myself not into him a while ago, I roll my eyes when I talk about the fact he's a musician (I think singers and guitar players are corny, he's both). I roll my eyes even more when he talks about work but if I really didn't like him, I wouldn't care at all about whoever this stranger girl was.

So, I realized unwillingly that I liked him, the things that I say out loud is stupid, is not stupid, the fact he sings to me when I'm not smiling, I say it stupids, I laugh about it but I like it a lot. All the things that I said I would never like in a guy, I like in him which drives me mad. I don't know why I like him, I do but I'm confused, I thought I knew what I wanted, I don't obviously. Now, I think to myself, I want something with him like going to the movies or something and I'm scared. I'm only extremely mean when I'm afraid that someones going to hurt me first or I'm afraid or both. I'm just confused and like most women, I don't know what I really want.