Thank Lord for Gatorade

I look like death. It's 2pm and I'm still hungover, my stomach still hurts and my room is pitch black. Oh alcohol...why would you do this to me
Which is making me say.... I'm never drinking again. Thanks to the alcohol, I not only bawled my eyes out, kissed every single one of my guy friends (none of them were complaining plus it was on the cheek, real classy), I also accepted a date somehow. Now that song by Beyonce is stuck in my head. You know the song... a female is a diva version of a hustler, yep, I just went there.

Somehow, every weekend, I con some guy into wanting to date me. Ridiculous. My guy friend told me this morning (don't worry strictly platonic) that I'm a guy stuck in a girl's body. I don't necessarily agree with that but my dating style is, I guess some would assume, kind of like a guy.
Anyway, less about that, I'm still pretty hungover. To make matters worse is that I couldn't even enjoy my Taco Bell! Well parts of it, I just downed a thing of Gatorade, I feel better.

Just enjoy this video, I'm done blabbering for the day.

When Jealous Rears its Ugly Head

I'm not going to lie and say I'm not a jealous person. A lot of my relationships with guys have been driven by jealousy, I've date guys far longer than I should have just because I didn't want another girl to have him. That's not the case of last night, I was out with Know-It All Guy and some friends, I was already in a bad mood as I'm going to explain later, so, it did not help HIS case when he mentioned some girl having a nice ass. The feeling I felt, it's nothing I've ever felt before, my face got really hot, my ears began to ring and my hand itched to slap him across the face. I've bickered with guys before, they've mentioned hot girls and I don't think I've ever felt what I felt that moment in time. I knew he was saying that to make me jealous which in all retrospect, I did all I could last night to make him jealous. In both cases, it worked. Anyway, as I was laying in bed all night, tossing and turning, I began to think: is all that wank I've said about not wanting relationships not true?

I mean, last night, I went out of my way to be mean to him because I'm just so confused on where I stand with him. I rarely go out of my way to make some miserable but in his case, I definitely did last night. I purposely didn't ride in the car with him, wait for him or try and sit next to him, all of this left him in a state of confusion. Not only that, I was only mean to him, he so (in my eyes, hopefully) commented that I was being mean to everyone with that I replied "No, only to you". Wow and I looked back at that the moment I went home, I didn't feel good about myself like I usually do when I tell guys off, no, I felt ashamed, I felt stupid and petty. Instead of just telling him how I felt (which he asked, oh so many times) I attacked him for not being able to read my mind. Which made me confused, the whole being ashamed of myself, I declared myself not into him a while ago, I roll my eyes when I talk about the fact he's a musician (I think singers and guitar players are corny, he's both). I roll my eyes even more when he talks about work but if I really didn't like him, I wouldn't care at all about whoever this stranger girl was.

So, I realized unwillingly that I liked him, the things that I say out loud is stupid, is not stupid, the fact he sings to me when I'm not smiling, I say it stupids, I laugh about it but I like it a lot. All the things that I said I would never like in a guy, I like in him which drives me mad. I don't know why I like him, I do but I'm confused, I thought I knew what I wanted, I don't obviously. Now, I think to myself, I want something with him like going to the movies or something and I'm scared. I'm only extremely mean when I'm afraid that someones going to hurt me first or I'm afraid or both. I'm just confused and like most women, I don't know what I really want.

Singleton, Singletown and Single-ish? Check!

So, I lied, this post is about boys and still not giving a damn! Whoot but even to the next level. Hollah. Anyway, I watched about a dozen people get married (mostly on facebook once in real life) and I realized, I love being single. I love playing the dating game and despite my friend's hopes and dreams of me settling down, getting married, etc, I kind of want to vomit on the relationship kingdom and continue being single. That was a run on sentence but do you get what I'm saying? Don't get me wrong, I love being in a relationship but I need to date, I've been only dating for two years and I want to date, for real, hardcore serial dater not date two guys and BAM relationship. Nope, not anymore, nothing you can say or do that will make me jump into another relationship. I want to call the shots, I want to do what I want and I want to pick up my clothes, leave a guy's house and sleep in my OWN BED. Yes! My bed, my pillows that smell like ME not effing B.O. Gross.

A Little Piece of Me...I guess

I haven't realized this until it was forced to be recognized. I date more than average. And as I'm reading blogs from girls that haven't dated let alone caught a guy's eye in months, maybe years, I realize that I'm a dating machine. Well...not really, the longest I've gone without going out with someone (un-exclusively because like most guys I am a complete and utter commitment phobic) is probably two months but I'm not good at relationships while the last "relationship" I had, I confused myself and thought I was utterly in love with this chap but I was indeed not. When I think about it now, hanging out with him silence was fine, watching a movie was fine but talking to him, talking to him without getting annoyed because he was bragging about himself again was irritating, it infuriated me to no end and him saying he was 5'9 when he was clearly not....annoyed me. oh and the fact that he was always butthurt over something (thank you Laguna beach for broadening my language horizon) granted, I am kind of cruel when I want to be and I definitely didn't bat an eye when he annoyed me and I told him so... but still, I’m used to men being able to take what I issue or tell me off, stand your ground, nothing is sexier to me than a man telling me what's up when the time calls for it but a man who backs down to me. I've heard from guys that the reason why some are meeker than others is because they're afraid that they stand up, they'll lose so said person. Well, I'm not the person who stays if someone can't stand.

I want a man kind of like myself because I don't like people walking all over me, so, I tell them and I guess that's why I attract a lot more men than usual well, from when I was eighteen. I was young and by golly, desperate and I pleaded with a man to not leave me, yes, desperately begging him to be with me, it was a sad, low point of my life but I sum it up to me being eighteen and never having a boyfriend before but now, I don't give a fig when then I did, I've noticed the less I care the more guys flock to me. I've picked up the phone a number of less than ten times over a course of a month and somehow, I have this boy desperately doing numbers for me. It's cute but I don't care.

My life no longer revolves around boys. My friends make me happy, being in school makes me happy, my family makes me happy, what do I need a boy for when I'm only twenty? I like being able to do what I want, when I want, I don't like limiting myself to date one boy. If I could, I would date many at the same time but it seems that boys automatically assume that we're together even though there was no verbal confirmation. I don't live on ifs and maybes if I don't know then I'm not going to assume and I'm going to live my life the way I want and if it means dating another boy...so be it. My heart is free and I belong to no one. Except the military, they own me but no man have any claims on me other than my father (who I adore very much). So, I guess that what appeals to men, not being able to tie one girl down. It's kind of distressing...I mean, this is the secret, I believe. My guy friend has told me that the fact that I am the way I am (extremely…blunt) that I’m more appealing even though my looks have not change, I still look the same. And I guess months ago (take a look at my first blog) I would've jumped for joy, I would've said, YES, I FOUND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS (harrh harrh harry pottahh) but how many times do I have to stress that I don't care. Unwittingly, under the mist of not caring, I've gotten myself a boyfriend. Yes. I do have a boyfriend or whatever I get when someone asks to go out but since I PCS (mandatory move) from this base in less than five months, it doesn't mean much to me. He knows this, I've told him once if not a thousand times that I want to date casually, I have no idea if he knows it means I want to be able to date other people but I will let
him know.

So....what am I trying to iterate? Other than nothing? Well, live life, a guy shouldn't define you because if you just continuing to live your life without a guy and have fun doing it (not sitting around moping about guys you don't have) then you'll find someone. My best friend is blissfully married and extremely happy and I couldn't be happier. Good for her, do I wish it was me? At times but I'm far too emotionally immature to be in her situation. Anyways, I bid you good day!

P.S. I'm honestly always tired of talking about boys. Next post it will be honestly about my life which I don't do much but complain about this stupid man who cannot spell but is over me and hanging out with my friends. Snore.

The Bang Boom

Momma knows best...right? Well, at least, she asks the right questions, tries to, that is. Today on my daily phone call to my mom (I know, cute right, I live in Japan and I'm calling my mom all the way back in the states), she asked me what am I looking for in a guy since this last guy, he's not a dud, it's just we don't have the spark. He likes me, a lot, and I like him just not like that. Anyway, I was stumped for a little bit, I pondered for a while and I realized that I don't just want anything, I have a setlist. This is all I want, physically and mentally:

• A guy with a great smile who loves to smile
• Infectious laughter
  
• Someone who's funny and makes me laugh
• Ambitious, goal orientated
• Not messy (because I am)
• Adventurous
• Close to his family (intermediate family is fine by me)
• Likes to write or read (this is a must for me)
• Shows affection but not too much even around friends
  
• Gives me space
• Likes my good friends and likes/tolerate my family
• Sweet
• Someone who doesn't talk crap about other girls
• A man who loves me the way I am, the way I look and everything
• Athletic/Stays in shape
• Into sports
• Respectable
• Intelligent/Well Educated
  
• Loves the idea of date night
• Love surprising me
  

It's kind of a stupid list but it's a working progress. I'm just asking for those few little things. I'm sure, it's like asking for the moon and stars but that's all I want. I'm not looking for love now but it's something that I do want.

Of Love, Robes and Tussled Hair

I am pretty stumped about men, lately, I've been pretty stumped about what is so exciting about me walking around in my pink poka-dotted robe in the dorms doing laundry. It's not as risque as men walking around completely shirtless in boxers. I think it's less risque. I'm fully covered. I've never seen so many people stare. Well, men. And they stare. Excitedly. My guy friend said it reminds him of sex and how easy it is to unrobe and behold or something lame and extra corny like that. My other guy friend said, it's the hair.

The hair. You read that correctly.

The hair.

The hair that is extra tussled, just rolled out of bed, maybe somebody just ran their fingers through the hair. It's sexy, it's electrifying, it's exciting. It gratifies stares.

That I don't get. My hair, honestly, is literally, I just got up to do laundry hair. When I actually put my hair in a ponytail, nobody even blinks, well kind of, I'm still wearing the robe. But still the robe and the hair gets blinks and stares and "what'sup"s.

So, it made me think, guys clearly think things that girls DO NOT thing is sexy, is sexy. Guys think unfussed with hair is beyond sexy like calves, long legs and delicate hands. Girls and guys have a different idea of what beauty is. It's befuddling. Well, I'm going to lay down.

So...

A new change is coming. I spoke of it weeks ago and I've never been happier. I don't need a man and I don't need this list on how to find this perfect man or whatever. Lately, I've just been enjoying myself and being alone and really, I don't know what I've been up to, really, I think going out with my friends helped me out a lot. Even though, I have guys left and right trying to go out with me, sleep with me, etc. I'm fine with waiting and I'm fine with taking it slow and I am talking to someone, hint, but I am fine with being alone. Let me remind you about that, I don't care either way if this doesn't work out because whatever, what do I have to lose, I still have myself, I still have my glorious books, I still have my newfound friends who even though they do drink a lot, are tons of fun, last weekend, we stayed in and played Rockband. Kind of nerdy but it was something I like to do, I'm not the party girl, I used to be but now I rather stay in and watch a movie with a friend, not a boyfriend, but an actual friend, preferrably with my best friend and gossip until the wee hours of the night.

Boys...eh? I don't need them and that guy? I heard he's getting married, the one in the last entry. I still call him names, mostly for laughs, I don't really care about him anymore. I miss his friendship but I realized that we could've never made it. I was too dominated and yes, I am the one who always must be the dominate one in the relationship, that's just me, I have a very strong personality, I know what I want, when I want it and how I want it, where I want it, here, please, that's me but he....he wasn't passive but he couldn't handle it. It bothered him, it hurted his feelings when I would bluntly tell him how I felt, I don't sugarcoat and I won't sugarcoat for some guy. It's not in my nature, I've never been that way and I won't be that way. I don't hope he's happy, I'm going to be honest but I hope he grows up. I don't think some girl is going to change him into this magnifigicant person and he's going to be this mature guy who doesn't pass out drunk every weekend oh and Thursdays too (typical Frat Boy) but...whatever, if she can deal with him. Go ahead. Plus, I look better than her (it's probably the vainest thing I will say) and even if I wasn't already okay with the fact that me and him will never be, the fact that I look better than he would've probably already made it better. But that's just a definite plus. But I'm sure she's a sweet girl.

Anyway, as I said, I haven't changed but I've slightly put a changed in my life. I started going to spin class more often, actually putting effort into my homework for classes, just considering more of myself then boys. And honestly, I finally made a decision with boys instead leading them on like I usually do and choosing the one that my friends like the most. I choose the one that I like the most, I'm not going to choose the guy who thinks he's already won. I've made that mistake far too much or the guy with the attitude. Finally, hopefully, the nice guy will win. But I leave here soon and it will not be a love match but it will be fun. I'm glad. I'm finally happy. Thank God.

New Beginnings

Getting your heartbroken does that to a girl, makes a girl want to have goals want to change. I know, it does it for me, as he posts pictures of them on his facebook after two weeks of leaving me, I realize that I'm never going to find someone unless I change. I don't have to change my personality but I do have to change my morals. So, I decided to make a list, I know that it's not going to stop me from getting my heart broken again and even though, this is the second time this has happened to me, the first time was a little bit more severe, I'm not going to stop looking for love. I know there is someone out there for me, I'm just going to have to figure out how to find him. NO more am I going to accept less and settle for something, I am not some floozy tramp who likes to get 3am calls or midnight knocks on my door, I am a woman and I deserved to be loved. No more am I going to be with guys that my friends doesn't respect nor like. If they're telling me he's a player and have that pleading look in their eyes as they go "well maybe he'll change for you", I'm just going to think he's not going to change and move on. If I talk about a relationship and a guy says he's not into it, he's never going to change his mind, just doesn't want a relationship, especially with me, as I am learning today, then I need to pick up my Coach purse and run. I am learning that I can't just assume that a guy wants me or he cares, if I want a guy and I want a good guy, I'm going to have to lay out the terms. Guys are going to take what they can get and run but if I show them that I am lady and that I respect myself then I can weed the guys that will most likely break my heart from the guys who are willing to try.

I'm tired of being that girl and after a year and half of being that girl, allowing to be treated like crap and settling for less, I've decided that I can't take that anymore. So, this is me, a 20 year old woman, with no bullshit, going through the motions and trying to find someone who respects me as I respect them. I'm not going to try and make it boring, if fact, I hope to spice it up but as of late, there's nothing in my life this year that has been good and I have to change it.