Passion....that's all I got

I'm passionate about love. Not just love. Finding love. I want to be in love. I want to feel what everybody else is feeling. Even if it means convincing myself that I love someone even though I'm a terrible liar, I'm an amazing actress, somedays I even believe myself which is even scarier. I wonder what I feel is real sometimes, I've never been in love and I can say this without a smile and honesty. Even though I cared about T I never loved him, I never foresee myself with him, my life with him would've been blank and unimaginable. I can't describe the feelings I felt towards him other than passion, everything was passionate, sex was amazing, sex was more than amazing, the generosity (when he was generous enough to give it to me) was something I enjoyed. I loved his kisses and being goofy with him but something was missing and I opted to not marry him. Sometimes I wonder if I'm coldhearted, there's so many men that I've been through so many names I've begin to forget, so many events blurred together. I can't even remember what happened when and when happened what. Do you get me? It's hard as Hell some days because none of these people meant anything to me. It's weird, I think it's weird and I think to myself "Am I a heartless bitch meant to live her life in spinster town like fuck?" I mean, I look at those guys, some were amazing, some were't and I know that I purposely drive guys away unknowingly too, I throw fits because I'm the princess, I do what the fuck I want, (I say this sarcastically), I see other guys because UM HEY, there is no ring on my finger, I haven't updated my Facebook status, this is MEANINGLESS. Though, somehow I convince myself somehow through all of this even though inner me is saying "NO, he's NOT the one" convinces myself that I want to be with him and settle.

Now, onto my now ongoing problem even though I said I wouldn't blog about this. I will, the reason why I've never started anything with the Friend is because I was afraid. Afraid of everything, I've been through instances where I've began things with a friend and I didn't want to go through that again. There has been times and almosts, so many I can barely count with us. And I just don't know. I just don't know and already we're talking about seeing each other when we're both home and isn't that how it all begins? I just don't know and it's weird and annoying, I hate it.

I'm also passionate about clothes. Fashion, my friends and family. I guess that because I've been loved all my life that I just want to share my love with more than my family and friends. I want to love with no bounds and be loved with no bounds.